Nulledge.net

Without hesitation the future caught up with us. We closed our eyes for too long and now our realities are different. I’m still trying to keep the cigarette burning to light your way back… and keep the coffee warm in anticipation of your return.. but it’s getting harder. I’m a satellite now and i can feel myself pulling away…

Some of us became so different.. some of us still stayed the same… I said i would go… but I ended up staying.. and in some ways.. i’m paying the price for my choice.. and now… it seems.. all i have are memories… where once you stood lie vacant possibilities… dead end dreams and faded destinies…

I’m not myself these days… sometimes i think we forget how our actions have long lasting consequences… and some things.. their impact never lessens.. I find i abandoned too many in the pursuit of other things.. and there’s silence where once there was a multitude.. to those I let slip pass my grasp.. i’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough.. to those my actions caused you to leave.. I understand.. and someday.. when all is said and done.. I hope i’ll find you again.. and to those i had to leave… i offer no explanation… you should already know the reason why..

and with the light fading.. and the coffee getting cold.. i think we’re ready to face the future.. and let our past move gracefully out of the picture… put behind those things we clung onto as a piece of our younger years and embrace adult hood.. find love.. get married.. have children.. star careers.. live an unexpected life.. someday i’ll be ready to stop wishing you were still here.. but I’ll never forget your face.. and if one day.. we’re ready for that cup of coffee.. i’ll make a fresh batch.. and we can drown ourselves once again with nostalgia..

The weekend is over.. i’ve been incredibly bored this last weekend.. with class over and nothing to do out here I’ve been sitting in my hotel room watching bad movies and tons of documentaries… A lack of a car has prevented me from doing a lot of things.. and in some ways I guess that’s why I miss LA so much.. being able, if i wanted to, get in my car and just drive anywhere I wanted is a good feeling.. I could’ve walked around, but bad weather prevented much of that from happening… so aside from walking to the restaurant in the hotel next to mine, i’ve been resigned to sitting in my hotel room…

Class starts up again tomorrow, so at least for that I am thankful. It’ll give me something to do and won’t make me feel bored.. or even the need to be withdrawn and what not.. Curses for the rain.. and curses for not bringing a camera with me.. but that’s ok.. there wasn’t much to see anyways…

I look forward to getting back… at least it’ll be warmer, although I did spend a bit of today looking for ways to wear a scarf.. who knew there were so many different ways.. I’ve picked a couple out and hopefully i’ll look all snazzy wearing one.. although I don’t know a good reason to wear a scarf in LA, even with the cold weather (it’s not that cold), except for looks.. but that’s the reason why I drive my car isn’t it.. it’s about how people see me.. how i’m presented to the world.. bah.. lies!…

I’m also feeling bummed that Joshua is dead (joshua is my computer in case you don’t know). With him being down and me being so far away makes me feel as if I’ve lost one of the major connections I had to my life back in Cali. I know it’s stupid, but at the same time it’s hard not being able to connect to him and do whatever it was i needed to do to manage my life while I was gone.

But I’ll be back soon.. a week left and I’ll be on a plane racing back to LA. I’ll see my family, my friends.. and eventually my co-workers.. I look forward to fixing Joshua and playing with Stoner.. I’m going to eat all the chocolate my sister WILL bring back from belgium… and i’ll finally be able to sleep in a comfortable bed once again..

Ahh.. so it begins.. both the training and the freezing weather.. they expect snow flurries in the coming days.. snow flurries apparently.. is when it snows.. but doesn’t really snow.. so it’s like freezing rain.. thankfully my co-worker and I were able to find a grocery store yesterday.. I am well-stocked with ramen and frozen food.. and most importantly.. coffee…

I’m trying to maintain a decent balance between my smoking and staying warm.. but i’m finding it kind of hard.  People are making friends.. chit chatting.. but my shyness is getting in the way.. curses!!.. why can’t i be more friendly.. but at least i’m doing ok in the class.. a lot of stuff I had already learned from previous programmer meetings.. but I guess it’s good to actually do it..

My co-worker and I are debating dinner.. it’s raining a bit and if it continues we may not want to do the short walk to a neighboring hotel for food.. we may decide it will be better to order pizza.. yet again for me.. blech..

I’m in Cleveland now… having left yesterday after a morning flight.. the flight was good.. no delays.. no problems.. just another regular flight… for that I am happy.. I’m staying at the Marriot Residence Inn.. an extended stay kind of place so every room is kind of like a mini apartment.. i have a kitchen and nothing to put in the fridge.. so.. kind of just like home.. unlike home I don’t have a car to drive around and grab supplies.. I forgot a toothbrush (was kindly provided by the hotel) and some other basics.. I also forgot my camera.. so any pictures of this place will have to wait until I am able to get one.. I have no idea where food is located.. except that Papa John’s delivers.. so I was ok for yesterday..

Today is cold.. very very cold.. and I am hopelessly underdressed.. gotta layer it up before I go out to explore today… the complimentary breakfast was abysmal.. but free food is always good.. I can’t complain… this will be an experience and I’m glad my boss chose me to go out here for training.. but at the same time.. I wish there were people I knew here.. I’m waiting on a couple of co-workers to show up.. but they’re both older and I don’t know exactly if that whole co-worker bonding thing would work out.. we’ll have to see..

I’m not homesick yet.. but I know I will be.. three hours ahead and daylight savings kicking in.. kind of a weird effect on my day… I couldn’t sleep properly last night.. but I forced myself anyway so I could try out the breakfast.. I’ll probably get coffee and a muffin in the morning…

I’ll try to write every day (most likely every other day) while i’m here.. mostly as a cathartic thing for me.. but hopefully so that all my friends back home know i’m still around..

My previous post does not really reflect the circumstances under which I was trying to convey. As it seems my boss taps me on the shoulder this morning – while my headphones were on and blasting away while trying to code – and asks me to follow him to his office. He then says to me that they’re sending me to Ohio to do some training for a piece of software we use for document management.. wow I say.. well.. as it turns out the entire training is 2 weeks long.. so .. around november.. expect me to be out of the city for a while..

Now, you may not know this.. but I’m doing something craaaazzzzy!!!.. I’m posting this blog entry to 3 different places.. well.. it’ll show up in 3 different places.. myspace.. facebook.. and my own blog over at nulledge.net.. I’m also using this blogging extension for firefox so i’ll see how that goes.. but all in all.. it seems pretty cool that all my things are now fairly integrated..

We’re expecting a new programmer at work in the upcoming weeks.. I hope he/she takes over some of my pending projects that I haven’t been able to get to.. focus on… and I hope i get some time to actually work on my website more this weekend.. despite the fact that Sally’s birthday is coming up and the next day – after what I hope is not too many drinks – I have have to walk for the kidney disease foundation thing my mother asked me to. It’s not a long walk.. not even a hard walk.. it’s just that it’s at San Pedro at 730 in the morning right after the night of libations planned for Sally’s birthday.. ugh.. well.. I guess that’s just the way it is..