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photo credit: Thomas Hawk

Lately I’ve been doing things in an attempt to make myself into the person I need to become. A chance to be a better person. It was a difficult road getting here and somethings were harder to do than others – some in the end were easier than I thought. My Something New was about finding things that would better me and find things that I could be interested in. It was meant to broaden my horizons. So, I think the next step in all of this is to do something I never thought I could.

Since the beginning of all of this I’ve been working out fairly religiously. Granted, sometimes I’ll slip or my personal life interferes, but usually I’ve been pretty good at making sure that I do what it is I need to do. I’m 20 pounds lighter since I started this regimen a few months ago and now its time to drop something a little heavier. I’ve been a habitual smoker for over a decade now. I smoke under a pack a day depending on where I am and what I’m doing, but I do tend to smoke a lot. So, after great discussion and help with Arman I have decided that it’s time to give up my daily addiction to smoking. I’m not saying that I will stop smoking entirely, rather I will try to become more of an occasional smoker. The idea is to not need cigarettes as a crutch in my daily life instead use it to enhance a situation – drinking, hanging out with other smokers, and really tough times (maybe) – but in general not to use it at all.

Today is Day 1. Arman has graciously given me some nicotine gum to help me get through the day. It will be difficult. I will be annoying. Most likely I’ll end up getting pissed for no reason, but in the end I think that this should be a change that is best for me. I realize I need to become better than I was. To make myself the best person I could possibly be and this is a step in the right direction. Many have tried to get me to stop smoking and have failed. I realize this is something I need to do for myself because I want it for myself. I’ll lapse and I’ll fall, but I’ll get back up. I’m doing things that would make Arman proud! A lot of the things I’ve done recently are about me being stronger. Making my willpower overturn stupid thoughts. This should be a good test of that.

I never thought that this would be how it would turn out. I was pretty sure I’d be a smoker for the rest of my life. But I’m beginning to understand the need to quit. The need to not reek of tobacco anymore. A life in motion a movement to something better.

Wish me luck. The old me would hate the new me.

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