Nulledge.net

I spent a lot of the last week or so in a state of fugue. Walking around but not really accepting where I was. It took a few final words and a semblance of an exit plan in order to really begin to make myself function again.

In going through a few old files, my sister came across a binder of mine that contained printouts of the Vacuum Diagrams newsletter I once put out. What funny things we once were. Me and my sultry crew of post-teenage angst writers. Were we good? Were we bad? That’s more for others to decide. I’ll let you decide.

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I need to say a special thank you Jenn for going through all the trouble of calling Dreamworld in Australia and convincing them to ship me a new Kenny for my birthday. The idea was to repair old Kenny with clothes and parts from new Kenny. A great idea (unless you ask Yuri), however when new Kenny finally arrived, after a very long journey from Australia, the plan fell through. As you can see, new Kenny doesn’t look anything like old Kenny. Unfortunately new Kenny looks like a very shoddier (budget downsizing) version of old Kenny and the clothes are horribly different. Old Kenny is beginning to show his age. His shoes are becoming horribly worn from many years of… well… just being around. I hear “Build-A-Bear” sells shoes that can possibly replace his worn one’s now, but I have yet to actually go check it out.

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A roadtrip is a nice way to get away from it all for a period of time.  Last week a friend of mine, Arman, got into USC School of Accounting and decided it would be a good time to take a roadtrip.  Our plan of escape, hop in his car and head east towards Arizona.  Our visit included a visit to meteor crater and a visit to Arizona’s Petrified Wood Forrest.

I am pleased to say that his car thoroughly smelled like cigarettes after the trip and that the biggest surprise to us that there was  snow in Arizona – who knew?  I thought Arizona was a desolate wasteland that the rest of the country had forgotten.  I was mistaken.  So along with the Grand Canyon, Arizona actually has something worth visiting, even if the way there was plagued with flat barren land.

Unfortunately for us, Arizona was in the middle of a cold spell and cold, strong, gusty winds were present the entire trip.  1234 miles later and we’re back in LA and back to the grind.  Whoo Hoo.  To those who didn’t go, be glad – if the wind didn’t get you, our farts would have.

The roadtrip is a favorite experience of mine.  To me, the journey is sometimes more important than the destination.  It gives people a chance to bond all the while experiencing America at it’s finest.  I love stopping at rest stops along the way and comparing them to other rest area’s that I’ve been to.  I love stocking up on beef jerky and drinking energy drinks to keep me awake as I drive.  While this roadtrip was nowhere near as long or as spectacular as my “Sponge Bob Visits America” roadtrip, I must say it was still quite enjoyable.  Here’s to seeing you on the next roadtrip…

There’s a strong wind blowing through the San Fernando Valley tonight. I’m feeling nostalgic tonight as I prepare this website to be something more than it is now. Little known fact – way back in the day (around 1999 – 2000) me and a group of friends got together to write a newsletter titled the Vacuum Diagrams. The newsletter was named after a Stephen Baxter book which inspired me to create something that I hoped would allow those of my friends moving out to college to maintain a semblance of connection to the place they once called home. In many ways, this website serves to be a resurrection of that, a place to post news, musings, stupid little tidbits of information that randomly pop into my mind, and the occasional informative article.

Ahh, those were the days. Staying up late trying to come up with something to say. Getting on Michelle and Helen’s ass to write me an article before I sent out the newsletter bi-weekly. It had a good run, 85 issues 50+ subscribers – most of which weren’t even people I knew. It was sad to see it go. What started out as a way to ship off news to far flung friends became something more. A way for 3 friends (4 if you weren’t in the joke) to say something about their lives, their hopes, and their ambitions. It holds a fond place in my heart.

So, to honour the memory of VD I’ve decided to revive a section of the newsletter here on my blog. The section is called “In The Corner”. It’s basically a collection of random musings that I think of and post. There will be no explanation and if it makes sense even better. It’s just about saying something that mostly for me, but you get to read it too. Eight years later and at least Xanthros lives on, if not in newsletter form, at least on this blog. I hope you decide I’m worth reading and I hope while you’re here you find something worthwhile.

BTW: If you are interested in receiving the entire set of the Vacuum Diagrams contact me. I’ll hook it up.

Without hesitation the future caught up with us. We closed our eyes for too long and now our realities are different. I’m still trying to keep the cigarette burning to light your way back… and keep the coffee warm in anticipation of your return.. but it’s getting harder. I’m a satellite now and i can feel myself pulling away…

Some of us became so different.. some of us still stayed the same… I said i would go… but I ended up staying.. and in some ways.. i’m paying the price for my choice.. and now… it seems.. all i have are memories… where once you stood lie vacant possibilities… dead end dreams and faded destinies…

I’m not myself these days… sometimes i think we forget how our actions have long lasting consequences… and some things.. their impact never lessens.. I find i abandoned too many in the pursuit of other things.. and there’s silence where once there was a multitude.. to those I let slip pass my grasp.. i’m sorry I didn’t try hard enough.. to those my actions caused you to leave.. I understand.. and someday.. when all is said and done.. I hope i’ll find you again.. and to those i had to leave… i offer no explanation… you should already know the reason why..

and with the light fading.. and the coffee getting cold.. i think we’re ready to face the future.. and let our past move gracefully out of the picture… put behind those things we clung onto as a piece of our younger years and embrace adult hood.. find love.. get married.. have children.. star careers.. live an unexpected life.. someday i’ll be ready to stop wishing you were still here.. but I’ll never forget your face.. and if one day.. we’re ready for that cup of coffee.. i’ll make a fresh batch.. and we can drown ourselves once again with nostalgia..